You know that blanket offer: “Call me if there’s anything I can do.” Guess what? There is! But you have to know how to ask to get what you really need. Someone can “help,” however, if you don’t need what they’re giving, it’s not really helping.
Usually one family member–that may be you–ends up doing the brunt of the caregiving. But, no man is an island, it takes a village. You get the point.
You may be reluctant to request help from siblings, other family members or friends. This should make it easier:
So, why is it so hard to ask?
- You think you’ll get turned down
- You’re convinced no one can do the job as well as you and it’s quicker to do it yourself
- They’ll think you’re weak, ultra needy or shirking your duties
- You’ve given the impression that everything is under control and you don’t need help, or are not open to it
Let’s think about these fears:
- If they turn you down, it may be legit (it may be a bad time for them or your request may not be realistic). Ask another time. If they decline repeatedly, it’s possible they’re self-absorbed jerks!
- Okay, you may actually do the job better. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that your loved one gets help and that you get a break or have one less thing to do.
- If they think you’re weak, needy or trying to get out of caregiving, they don’t “get” it. Nothing more to say!
- You may throw off an in-control, all-covered vibe, but they may want to help and not know what to do or how to offer assistance.
Here’s another way to think about corralling help:
- Make a list of tasks that would be helpful. What are the people you want to ask good at? (If it’s math, have them help handle the finances or pay bills online; if they’re technology-adept, they could show others how to use a caregiving-sharing website–Care Innovations, Lotsa Helping Hands, and others.
- Be specific. Give them a choice of three things. Start with something small to get them on the team.
- Suck up to your sisters and brothers! Tell them how appreciative you are for their past help, that you know how busy they are, and how important their pitching in is to you and their parent/friend/sibling. Check the accusations at the door! Saying “you never help. . .” won’t get you what you need. How about, “I really need your help”?
Even if you do get them to help, you’ll want to keep expanding your caregiving network so you try not to lean too hard on one person. It could be friends, relatives, online support groups, church or synagogue members, or community resources. Just do it!
Photo courtesy of Pierre Pouliquin via Creative Commons
